If you are one of the lucky ones that are not inching down the freeway in your metal coffin, then this article may not pertain to you.  It hopefully will provide some amusement and reassurance that you are on a good path.   My inspiration is two-fold.  I recently saw a couple of articles from Not-So-Rugged male blogs about how to quit a job and how to handle being fired.  I started thinking, why doesn’t anyone tell you how to succeed in your job?  My second inspiration came when I (finally) saw the movie Office Space (1999) a few nights ago.  I got to say that it wasn’t all that, especially after fielding comments about not seeing it for the past decade.  I mean we get to see everybody’s sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston in her usual extremely boring, Pottery Barn role.  Pottery Barn girls are what we call the extremely vanilla; always do the right thing, no pizzazz or style, as if they decorate their entire apartment from Pottery Barn, and break out Jenga for when they really need to spice up that dinner party!  Jennifer Aniston is Pottery Barn and Angelina Jolie is NOT.  You have been warned.

Any way we thought it would be fun to list some basic guidelines to help get you through The Grind, be liked by your co-workers and respected by your superiors.  You wont find this information in your orientation packet.

  • Coffee Etiquette – Do not leave the coffee maker empty without making a new batch.  This should be punishable by public water boarding.  You gain street cred if you use an old mug with stains that hasn’t seen soap in months.
  • Ring Tones – We mentioned this in our iPhone Etiquette article.  Do not have an annoying ring tones in a small office, nobody cares to hear your inner weirdness.    
  • Get Out Of The Way – If you are a supervisor, or a boss, give your staff member an assignment, with a deadline, and get the hell out of the way.  Don’t question the way they get it done, otherwise do it yourself.
  • Food In Fridge – Office refrigerators are disgusting and meant for same day storage.  Do everyone a favor and go out to lunch.  Do you love sitting in an office all day with those bright lights and inspirational art?
  • Late To Work – You owe the team, even if you are the boss.  Bring Food.  If you missed a meeting I recommend pizza, bagels are not going to cut it.  Everyone loves a few slices of pizza at 11am.
  • Buzz Words – As often as possible use these phrases, because this is what REALLY moves companies forward and gains respect of your coworkers – 10,000 Foot Level,  Dove Tail,  Net Net,  Win Win & Hit The Ground Running.  #facetious
  • Halloween – Really?  How are you to be taken seriously wearing a costume to work.  It doesn’t matter if it’s the culture, company policy, or directive from your boss.  NO, Never, Nada, Nunca!
  • Christmas Party – Quite the opposite. You MUST attend.  This is no time to be cool and its no time to be the life of the party.  Be like Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction – “One drink, that’s it. Don’t be rude, drink your drink. But do it quickly. Walk out the door, get in the car, go home, jerk off and that’s all you’re gonna do!”
  • Don’t Mail It In – Seriously, this is like high school sports, except more competitive because the geeky kids are involved and now they are competitive and have an axe to grind.  You are there every day, you might as well be in it to win it.  Be competitive and respect your coworkers because this is where the geeky kids get back at the cool kids.  The Bill Gates’ run the world, not the Tom Bradys.  Take note grasshopper.

Thanks For Reading !


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