What All Men Should Stop Doing By Age Thirty
The only good thing about getting older is that you get smarter. We have tried to buck the system, tried to get away with being less than genuine and all too often have said, “I don’t give a shit!”. Yep, we eventually become like our fathers, or uncles or whatever father figure we had growing up. Father Time is undefeated in just about every contest or sport.
We thought we would save some of you young bucks from inflicting any further damage to your integrity, mind, body & soul than you have already done in your first 10-12 adult years on Earth. The following is a list of things that you need to kick or start doing by age 30.
- Lose The Wolfpack – You have had at least 10 years to get your shit relatively together where you can leave the nest. Not the comfy nest Mom made but the one you made – the messy double bed in a dark room with tapestries and NFL memorabilia on the wall … and a bean bag & bong. If you do not have a girlfriend, then look no further for the reason. If you do have a girlfriend, then it’s time to leave the mess, I mean nest. Don’t get us wrong, living in a mancave with your boys is Good F’n Times and required reading for any Rugged Male. You will also remember it for the rest of your life, so well done! Bravo! Now get the hell out of there, it’s time to find a pad where you can entertain a lady for dinner and dessert. That’s pretty much the only reason you need to move out, time does not stand still and you don’t want to be the last one at the party.
- Buy A Good Wallet – When I was living in San Francisco in the late 90s, at the epicenter of the dot com tornado, where 28 yr old CEOs were throwing parties that made Wolf of Wall Street look like a baby shower, I had the fortune of living next door to a couple of young studs that I played hoops with. They used to carry velcro wallets with Budweiser logos on them. Well one guy did, the other put his money in his sock because he didn’t own a pair of jeans, just shorts. When I told them they needed to go buy wallets they looked at me like I was the Dalai Lama. They still talk about it as being critical coming of age advice. Everyone sees the damn thing, so you need to have a decent one. Our pals at Owen & Fred have some cool wallets. Check em out and buy one – Ahora Mismo!
- Sack The Football Jerseys – Please, for fuck sake stop wearing football jerseys in public. This is no different than dressing up on Halloween for your office day job. No different. You stop wearing football jerseys when you are about 14 years old. If your secret desire is to be a cheerleader, (lets face it, that’s what your are doing, cheerleading) then buy a t-shirt. If you want to have some style while waving your pom poms then check out Junk Food T-Shirts. Wearing a jersey with another man’s name is just not manly, it’s little kid stuff. Maybe throttle back your enthusiasm too. Football fans are losing their mind lately.. and its ruining Sunday Funday. [Cue fanatic football fan hate mail].
- Beer Pong Tables – See bullet point number one. The beer pong table does not get carried over to your new pad. Stop playing drinking games, drinking is a lifestyle, a privileged one, not a game. Ask anyone who had to give it up – forever.
- High Fives & Handshakes – Nothing is more annoying that High Five Guy, except possibly High Five Girl. Stop with the fancy fist bumps, blow it up, make it rain silly white guy hand jive. Shake someones hands sternly, look them in the eye and focus your gnat attention span for 2 seconds while you cringe real hard to try and listen to their name.
- You Went To College, We Get It – Stop with the alma mata license plate frame. A friend of mine bought a Maserati a couple years ago. He was showing it to me in his garage and all I could do was focus on the silly USC Trojan license plate frame. Bro, you bought a $100,000 car and put a $15 license plate frame on it to showcase your achievement? The whole friggin car is a sign of your life’s achievement. It’s not suppose to show your happy hour accolades when you were 19. Not to mention USC Fans are the most obnoxious people on earth. Know how you can tell if you are talking to a USC Alum? They will tell you. Go Bruins, Go Bears all day, every day & twice on Saturday.
- Have Adult Drinks – Know what you drink, a brand or call. No more drinking well drinks and no more drinks with more than one liquor. Step up to the bar and say Jack & Ginger, Kettle & Soda, Dewars & Water – whatever, just stop with the Long Island Ice Teas, Fireball shots & Kamikazes, you’re not at TGI Fridays. Nobody will take you seriously holding a drink that belongs in a sippy cup.
- Own A Belt – Much like a wallet, go by yourself a nice leather belt, in fact you need two. They need to be thick, at least 1 1/4″ wide with a nice big buckle. Pick up a black one and a brown one. It’s much easier to match if they dont have any stitching or embroidering. Less is always more and always in style. Lucky Brand sells decent belts for cheap. You buy a belt once every 5 years, so you can spend $60-70, its worth it.
- Personal Finance – By now you should have your credit repaired from destroying it in your early twenties; the tax man should no longer be looking for you and you should have at least 3 months of savings in the bank. You should have a firm grasp on how personal tax prep software works. This is the bare minimum. Stop living beyond your means. Spend less than you earn, it’s that simple. Cut the credit cards and live in a cash world if you must. They are legal thieves with their high interest rates and they are destroying lives. Saving $300 a month earning 2% interest in your bank while you have $5000 in debt at 12% interest does not make sense. A third grader can tell you that. Get out of debt, your thirties are for earning.
That’s all grasshopper, start your migration to being a Rugged Male. It’s time to leave the party, for a better one.
Thanks For Reading!