“I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us!”
– Kurt Cobain 

That wonderful time of year is upon us, no basketball, football or hockey on television.  This is good and bad.  It means people will start acting like people again.  If you were in one of the cities that went deep into the playoffs, then congratulations, you get your life back.  No more speeding home from work to catch the game.  No more ignoring Mom’s call because you are in a Fireball induced frothy rage screaming at a television.  Congratulations, you can re-introduce yourself to your partner.  As a Boston sports fan, I’ve been there, the playoffs are exhausting, (Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, well done).

The downside of this time of year is that the polarizing zeitgeist that is known as Facebook becomes incredibly watered down and often difficult to look at, as people have more time to update us on their inner weirdness.  So before you become one of these people (and name your baby North West), we thought we would provide some guidelines and amusing commentary about using Facebook properly so as to not annoy, or be hidden by the people you just met last night and “friended”, err … stalked.

There is so much material that we could poke fun at but we will just list our favorites and also provide some tips on how to minimize the pain until the NFL returns to our lives… or the Fall Classic.

1.   Real Men Do Not Send Friend Requests – We receive them, and often ignore them.  This applies especially to the lady you just met, and especially you fellas that send requests that same night … while she is still in the room!  You are tipping your hand that you are insecure, a stalker and/or just plain old creepy.  Throttle back Buffalo Bill, especially if you are in a relationship.

2.  Skinny Arm Pose – We are so tired of this, ladies.  Can you get a little more creative?  We almost prefer the selfie in the bathroom mirror…. almost.

3. Entree Post – Must you post photos of your entrée?  Only if you are one of those lucky people, that just made a Bundt cake that came out in the image of The Virgin Mary.  Or perhaps you discovered a chicken nugget that is an exact replica of Black Jesus or Fat Elvis.  That we just can’t live without – post it.  Your blackened snapper on the other hand, keep to yourself.  We don’t care what you ate for dinner, or breakfast.  Is your life really that boring, that’s the best you got?!?

4.  The Press Pass – Are you at the concert or covering it for The Daily Prophet?  One photo of the band on stage is enough for us to know you were there.  Posting 23 photos with 30 minutes of shaky video is overkill.  If you must post video, make sure you have good seats and learn how to open an account on Youtube.  This is where you are suppose to post it.  How does Dan Auerbach look through a 4″ screen at Yankee Stadium any way?

5. The Buddy Pass – When your buddy’s new girlfriend sends you a friend request, it’s NOT because she wants to be friends with you.  She most likely wants to get all up in your buddy’s bizness.  Pass on this and forget you ever saw it.  Your buddy is your friend, in the real world, not his new girlfriend, in the virtual world – do we need to remind you of this?!  When she is gone, he will still be your friend and hate that you keep updating him on what his ex is doing, because he has long since hidden her posts.  Have some patience and smarts here, Grasshopper… at least for the short term.  Here are some stats from a college survey, I am sure adults are not far behind.

6. Entertain Us – Like Kurt Cobain taught us in the 90s –”I feel stupid, and contagious / Here we are now, Entertain us !”.  People, it’s called a social network for a reason.  Be Social!  Like Cobain says, Facebook is stupid and contagious, so try to post content that is unique, funny and entertaining.  Everyone is taking a 10 minute break from working to see what you got.  Time to represent, don’t Smell Like Teen Spirit.

7.  Private Parts – Why is it that the same people that are upset with the NSA for monitoring phone calls are the same people that post photos of their children, address, cellphone and other personal information on Facebook?  This is the internet people!  There are stalkers, criminals, pedophiles, identity thieves and other malicious folks and countries.  Review your security settings and the information you are posting.  Facebook admittedly uses YOUR information for their own business purposes.  They also change your security settings without telling you.  You have to be careful with the info you post, and who you allow to see it.  Cuidado!

8.  Love Birds – Do you really need to speak to your significant other in the public forum.  Nobody is interested in the sweet gobbly goo that you and Boo Boo say to each other.  That is what text is for, hell that is what Skype is for Honey Bunny.  This is worse than making out in public.

9.  Mass Inviter – These are the best, when someone you barely know, on the other side of the country constantly invites you to their Monday night tupperware fundraiser to save the gay whales .. in Tibet.   I’ve never used FB to send an invite, but I have to assume there are ways to only invite the people living in your city or that are close to you.  This, however can be a sign that its time to clean up the Friend List !

Were going to stop at 9 items here … you provide the 10th!

As Always, Thanks For Reading !

This was our amusing take on some aspects of Facebook.  Today one in seven people on the planet have an account – incredible.  Facebook is the absolute best way to share photos with family, especially parents and friends that are far away.  It is also a fantastic tool to reunite with old friends you have not seen in a decade, or promote a business … a blog for instance.       


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