With the advent of smart phones comes a whole new set of rules regarding etiquette, especially for the Rugged Male.   No longer do the cellphone rules of old, apply in today’s modern world of walking Rain Men, (I will explain later).   I long for the day when cellphones were used to convey simple messages like,  Meet You There,  On my Way, and of course Thank You.

There is a phenomenon happening out there that is unexplainable, inconceivable, unpredictable and shapeshifting.   Yup, shape shifting, like True Blood or The Twilight Saga.   It happens when a grown man pulls out his iPhone.

We have all seen it, suddenly, without warning, your pal tunes out the entire world and shapeshifts …  into a 16yr old girl !   Facebook, Twitter, Shazam, Words With Friends – Argghh !    I thought we were going to have lunch together, you know, like they did back in the 90’s ?!   I am absolutely shocked how many of my friends, who are intelligent and polite, do not understand how rude their phone skills are, and how much of an ass they look like playing with their phone.  They look like Gollum in Lord Of The Rings – Precious, My Precious !

Now there is a lot of low hanging fruit out there.  I will do my best to skip the obvious, driving, movie theater, etc., and attempt to list my favorites.  Here we go :

    1. Group Texts – You should never send first of all, text is not email.  Secondly, if you receive one, there is a setting on your iPhone so that when you Reply it doesn’t go to every single person. PLEASE find this setting asap, so the rest of us don’t have to endure the party line.
    2. Bluetooths – Are to be used when you are in your car, office or home.  Not to be used when you are walking down the sidewalk, or in any place where someone can hear or see you talking to yourself.
    3. Documentation – There is a right time for this.   When you are having cocktails with your friends, discussing what actress was in a certain movie, or what players had 3000 hits, you dont immediately go to the iPhone.   Allow a friggin discussion to happen , its FUN.    You become the nerd in high school – Im gonna look it up.  You sound like the guy that says – Arent you going to collect our homework? .
    4. Words With Friends – Again, you are a 16 yr old girl if you play this game, OR a creepy dude that doesn’t know how to talk to girls so you play games.   Its called Words With Friends because that’s all you are going to be with that gal, friends.
    5. Talking iPhone – You should refrain from talking about your phone, comparing features and apps and cases – good lord.  This is no more appealing to a woman than talking about your t-top IROC in the driveway.  Its a phone for f*ck sake, try to act like its not your whole world.
    6. Texting Someone When You Arrive –  I love this one “Im Here, where are you?”.  How about you look around, and exercise 10 seconds of patience and some self-awareness.  The restaurant isn’t that big.
    7. JukeBox App – This is a new one .  Some modern jukeboxes now have an app.  You can walk in a bar, call up the app and choose – Play My Song Now, basically leapfrogging everyone that put their dollar in and waited patiently for their song.   Bartenders hate it because now the asshole who plays LMFAO or Black Eyed Peas can be an anonymous asshole.   Don’t be an anonymous asshole.  Put your name on it, as Herm Edwards says.
    8. Walking iPhone – Do not walk for blocks with your head down looking at your iPhone.  For one, you look like a major dork, like Rain Man – One Minute To Wapner !  Some towns are debating whether to cite jaywalking type tickets to people who do this.   Step aside, send your text, then get back in the walk lane and be part of the non-virtual society.
    9. Ring Tones – Silly ring tones are for girls, and guys that want to act like girls, like I stated in another blog about True Religion jeans.  Choose one that gets your attention and doesn’t annoy anybody.   The nautical submarine tone IS acceptable and cool.  No ring tones are appropriate on emails.
    10. Getting Digits – This is by far the most annoying, spineless and creepy cellphone act. My blood is boiling just writing this point.   DO NOT EVER, Ever, take a woman’s phone,  and call yourself because you want her number.  If you see someone do this, slap them.  That is a punk move.   Have respect for the ladies, America is watching !

As Ferris Bueller says – Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while ….you’re just another douche with an iPhone”


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