“I’ve always found men who didn’t know how to kiss, and I’ve always found time to teach them.”  – Mae West 

Here’s the deal.  Just like all guys think they were exceptional athletes in high school, they all think they are great kissers.  Fact.  But, look around, how many of your friends play professional sports for a living, or even came close ?!?  See my point here?

One guy literally bruised my tongue’s frenulum while making out.  That involves, repeated, violent thrusting under my tongue at the connective tissue. That is just one of many that I was (un)fortunate to lip lock. That said, it wouldn’t be fair to say that all women are great kissers either.  Our friend Meghann who is bisexual and a managing partner at Mixology, a matchmaking service for the LGBT says that often women are too soft or obsessed with lip gloss, which can be annoying.  We don’t however, have mouths, lips and teeth twice your size, so throttle back a bit!  Men are still expected to lead the way in the kissing department. Fair or unjust, in a burgeoning relationship, women still look to the man to make the first move and set the tone.  A kiss is a man’s signature as Mae West used to say, and she is right.  It’s kind of like (dirty) dancing gives women a slight peak into how that person might perform in a more intimate setting.  Like it or not gents, women read a lot more than you think into the way you kiss.  Are you confident?  Spontaneous? Patient?  Bull in china shop?  Stuck at the 8th grade Sadie Hawkins dance?  All of this goes through a lady’s mind as you bump and grind her teeth with your Fireball and Marlboro breath.

There is no more sinking feeling than when a great first date with a seemingly promising guy, comes to a screeching halt when he leans in for that first (and final) kiss but mistakes your face for a cupcake and tries to put the whole thing in his mouth. Don’t Eat Her Face!  Here are some of the most common bad kissers and some helpful hints to avoid becoming one.

The Cannibal

The Cannibal is the type of kisser that literally sucks a woman’s face. Cannibal kissers are sloppy and usually indicative of a meek man who lacks decisiveness. Never approach a kiss with a premature O-face. Your lips should be apart but she should not be able to see your tonsils. Let the kiss develop naturally.  Do not swish your tongue back and forth in a woman’s mouth as if you were a dental vaccuum.  Tongue contact is not suppose to happen immediately.  Put that puppy away!  If my face looks like I just made out with my golden retriever when we finish, then you are definitely doing something wrong, and you have also touched my lips for the last time.

Making out is not a sprint, its more of a 10k and sometimes a marathon.  Relax, breathe, but not heavily, and try to keep drool to a minimum.  It also wouldn’t kill some of you to caress our faces gently instead of our breasts.

Tongue Guy 

We get it, you want to show us you’re in charge.  Do that by making the dinner plans, not jamming your tongue down our throat. Rather than going full force with your tongue, why not grab your partner’s lip between your teeth for a slight tug?  I mean, I don’t order tongue off the menu at Artie’s Deli, so there’s no reason to think I want to eat yours when I don’t even know your last name … and sometimes first!

Use your tongue in measured amounts and see if she responds.  If she doesn’t then stop doing it!  If I can tell what you had for breakfast, yesterday, then your tongue is too far down my throat.  There is also no need to pull our head toward your face.  If you are doing an adequate job, we aren’t going anywhere.  And if we start to pull back, please let us regroup and towel off before you come out of your corner for Round 2.  You owe us that much.

The Extremist

You could be great at making out, even a world champion, but if that is all you can do than the one trick pony doesn’t work here.  Excessive PDA is always unwanted and inappropriate.  Learn to reel it in, this isn’t high school and we’re not in your parent’s basement.  There are various kinds of kisses, and your immediate surroundings are a major factor that determine the type of kiss you should be delivering.  On the flip side, you don’t want to be the guy that never likes to make out – you only dole out small pressure-less kisses. That’s great if you’re meeting an old friend or on a first date, but sometimes a woman likes to be surprised with an Officer And A Gentleman type romantic embrace.

Here is the bottom line.  Women like to make out as long at the setting is appropriate, you are aware of your surroundings  and you are not hurting … or boring us.  It helps if you have fresh breath and a nice grill too !

Thanks For Reading !

TRM provided backup vocals on this piece written by the talented Marni Epstein.  Marni is a freelance writer and music journalist who has worked in both the film and digital media industries.
Twitter: @poorgirlguide

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