The Rugged Male’s Guide To The Oscars
It’s that time of year again when Hollywood’s limousine liberals gather next door to Mrs. G’s Snacks on Hollywood and Highland to once again engage in self-promoting compliments and back pats – “You’re the best”. “No, No, You are the best”, “OK, we are both the best, and so is she .. and him .. and that talking teddy bear – amazing!”. While we all know its impossible to put a price, value or appraisal on a piece of art, Hollywood’s elite will do just that on Sunday at the 87th Academy Awards.
Perhaps the most amusing is that 20 of this year’s acting contenders are white and there are no women in the directing or writing categories. After the nominations were announced Thursday morning, the hashtag #OscarsSoWhite started trending on Twitter. That’s some funny shit, but also yesterdays’ news. The Academy’s 7000 members are 94% white, meaning they have Sidney Poitier, Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones and that’s it for diversity. Guess who’s not comin for dinner?
While it is true some art just sucks, I mean have you seen the famous french impressionists and their bowls of fruit and empty fields? Have you watched Anaconda 3? Perhaps it’s the way they go about it that makes it annoying. Do these people really need an award show for living a life that none of us can even dream about? Don’t they get enough undulating praise while shopping for toilet paper at Gelsons?
OK, enough snarky negativity. Let’s look at the bright side, I don’t believe we will hear Katy Perry destroy our eardrums for a third time this year. Nice job with that Pepsi half-time show, said nobody. There is a reason you are Pepsi and Coke is king. Thank you Adam Harter, Pepsi’s VP of Marketing, our ears are still bleeding.
Drum Roll Please ….. Onto The Rugged Male’s Guide To The Oscars with our predictions and off-the-cuff, in depth analysis based almost entirely on the movie trailers.
1. Best Picture
Your nominees include Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper, Birdman, featuring the long awaited return of the original Batman and Mr. Mom – Michael Keaton, Boyhood from the creator of Dazed and Confused and yet another Oprah (not) so feel good movie fueling racial separation, Selma. Is there anyone more white than Oprah?
I watched Boyhood earlier this week and it was the most painful 3 hour experience I have ever had. There is zero brilliance in this movie, zero character building, zero plot, zero story lines and the acting is horrible, especially the director’s daughter, (sorry I’m sure she is a very nice person). You keep waiting and waiting for something to happen and nothing ever does. You don’t get an award for showing people grow older, we see that every god damn day. People go to the movies to escape every day life. Additionally this is fiction .. its not friggin Hoop Dreams, a documentary filmed over a similar time period. Its also not Dazed & Confused or even School of Rock. I will use the best movie rating system on the planet to give you a proper understanding of this film, from the San Francisco Chronicle.
Who Will Win: Boyhood, because The Academy geeks are going to consider this “revolutionary”.
Who Should Win: Birdman, Um, did you see the image above?! Keaton still rocks. #SmellsLikeBalls
2. Best Director
Who Will Win: Richard Linklater for Boyhood, for same reasons stated above. Geeks rewarding geeks.
Who Might Win: Morten Tydlum, The Imitation Game. The Academy is mostly made up of old jewish men, who will vote for any film battling the Germans.
Who Wont Win: Foxcatcher. Nobody in the Academy is voting for a wrestling movie. The wrestlers were the kids that gave the Academy wedgies in high school.
Dark Horse: Birdman, like a make-up call in the NBA or NHL because Boyhood won best picture, however the Academy never awards any movies with animation. No, Avatar did not win, it was The Hurt Locker.
3. Best Actor
Nominees include Steve Carell, Bradley Cooper, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Keaton & Eddie Redmayne.
Who Will Win: Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything. Any movie about a physically or mentally challenged person is Oscar bait.
Who Might Win: Bradley Cooper, another makeup call for snubbing him in Silver Linings Playbook, but they are still pissed he made a shit load of money from the Hangover trilogy which The Academy doesn’t consider art.
Wont Win: Steve Carell. The Academy will never, ever award a comedic actor, their panties are on too tight.
4. Best Actress
Nominees include Julianne Moore, Reese Witherspoon, Felicity Jones, Rosamund Pike & Marion Cotillard. First of all, this is The Hottest group ever up for an Academy Award .. in fact the hottest group ever up for Any award! Hubba hubba, well done Academy !
Who Will Win: Julianne Moore, she’s been married to half of The Academy.
Who Should Win: Rosamund Pike; she is the only James Bond girl (duh!) [cue James Bond theme]
Who Wont Win: Reese Witherspoon, because the Academy doesn’t like cute, they like boring and dry.
5. Best Supporting Actor
Nominees include Robert Duvall, Ethan Hawke, Edward Norton, J.K. Simmons & Mark Ruffalo.
Who Will Win: Edward Norton, because he is the best actor in the group.
Who Wont Win: Despite critic acclaim, J.K. Simmons does Farmers Insurance commercials, Academy aint havin it.
Who Should Win: Mark Ruffalo because he is a god damn modern day Marlon Brando, Mark freakin Ruffalo that’s who.
6. Best Supporting (Hottest) Actress
Yep, were making up our own category because the Academy is never going to give the award to any actress under 40. That means its a two hottee race for Best Supporting Hottest Actress, Kera Nightley and Emma Stone.
We pick Emma Stone, besides she got snubbed in SuperBad.
Thanks For Reading!